And the tears flow

by sammijeans

I couldn’t get out of work fast enough. So much for my usual late lunch breaks. I needed to be somewhere peaceful and beautiful.  I came here, to the rose gardens, where you used to tell me the names of each beautiful rose. I love how smart you are. How romantic. You say that you’re not normally romantic. What a tragedy. Your romance is beautiful.  You are beautiful.

The Rose Garden isn’t beautiful anymore. They cut them all down. Now there are just the bare bones, like my soul. I hate guarding my soul,  my heart.  I don’t want to. But I can’t be honest with you. What the hell am I supposed to do?  Run to you? Tell you how much I miss you? I long for you? How I long to be touched by you,  embraced by you, caressed by you? How my heart physically pains at the thought of not having you? Fuck progress. Fuck faking it. It hurts. And then you want to talk? To access my heart? It’s not yours anymore.  I gave it away on my wedding day to a man who doesn’t treat it like you do. But I’m fucking trying! Let me try dammit! Stop reminding me of what I don’t have! I hate how much I love you and miss you! I hate how I can’t stop crying because you decided to say hi and then you wanted to talk about something vulnerable.  Important. I Cant Do That. Can’t you understand?  I’m not strong. And I will not be weak. Tears pool in my sunglasses.  When will this pain end. Let my marriage be. It isn’t nor will it ever be what we had. Every time I see you I remember that. So many emotions. So much pain. So much pain over memories once lived. Once divulged.  My bones and body and heart ache for you. And I can not have you. I have to stop aching. I have to find peace. Find beauty.  Not here in the garden. Somewhere.  God please help me find joy again.