Him

I feel so alone.

I’m listening to my beautiful two kids playing make believe in the bath and all I can hope is that all of their dreams come true.

I’ve pursued my husband so much since him and I stopped contact. I haven’t received any sort of comfort, affirmation,  or physical pleasure from my husband.  I know I’m being way more needy now that I don’t have him. I know it’s the right thing. In the long run I know I’ll be grateful.  I don’t want to be eighty and have my husband who I love next to me, and secretly be wishing I had never hurt him or betrayed him like I did X years ago. That doesn’t stop me from hurting now. Or being lonely.

I’m so grateful he is letting me be free. I have stopped saying what I want or wish or feel and I think it’s helping. I’m coping in different ways. I guess.  I’ve thrown myself at my husband.  I got nipple piercings for fun. Wanted to feel alive. My husband remains mainly indifferent.  The first thing I wanted to do was to show him. But that wouldn’t have helped. It turns out I’m the one who can’t just be friends. Do I miss him? Yes. Long for him? Yes. Long for his friendship, laughter,  companionship,  heart, smile, stories, touch, hugs, kiss? More than I ache to describe. But this is the right thing. And I can’t be just his friend even though I miss him. He’s my best friend. Absolutely.  But I can’t be just friends.  I don’t have the strength.  I don’t have the desire to deny myself again. So I close the door to my heart to him. And I am so sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry. Thank you for letting me fly. I promise I’ll find my way.  I know my marriage will get better. I’m trying to be patient. See? You’re still in my head. Always. And heart.

 

Shit.

 

But I know this is right. I do.

Caught

I wrote this letter by hand and just now am getting around to typing it. We were caught the beginning of March.

—

It feels like forever since we got caught. But it’s only been 10 days. Today I went to talk to my boss about a case and at the ned of our conversation, she asked nme to shut the door. Immediately I felt my face flush with color. She said, don’t worry, I just wanted to let you know about what you’re going through with <my son> might qualify me for an FMLA leave. We discussed how his biting could be considered a valid reason for a leave of absense. She also said that taking a personal leave of absense was an option. I confirmed that both of these were unpaid. I aksed her who knew about the <him> situation. (background – someone from my department saw our chat messages on my computer and told my boss. My boss let me know that she was aware of the Spakrk messages with him as well as the volume and content. She said for now they (ie HR and the company) are addressing it as personal use of company policy. She said that she knew my old boss knew (in HR now), the director of HR knew, her boss knew, and one coworker that shall “remain anonymous” (the person who saw the messsages and reported it originally.) Fucking asshole. Keep your eyes off my computer! I know who she is though. My boss said she didn’t know who in IT knew. I feel like my world, our world, has changed so much since we were caught. Struggling so much at work, witAIt feels like forever since we got caught. But it’s only been 10 days. Today I went to talk to my boss about a case and at the ned of our conversation, she asked name to shut the door. Immediately I felt my face flush with color. She said, don’t worry, I just wanted to let you know about what you’re going through with <my son> might qualify me for an FMLA leave. We discussed how his biting could be considered a valid reason for a leave of absense. She also said that taking a personal leave of absense was an option. I confirmed that both of these were unpaid. I aksed her who knew aboiut the <him> situation. (background – someone from my department saw our chat messages on my computer and told my boss. My boss let me know that she was aware of the Spakrk messages with him as well as the volume and content. She said for now they (ie HR and the company) are addressing it as personal use of company policy. She said that she knew my old boss knew (in HR now), the director of HR knew, her boss knew, and one coworker that shall “remain anonymous” (the person who saw the messsages and reported it originally.) Fucking asshole. Keep your eyes off my computer! I know who she is though. My boss said she didn’t know who in IT knew. I feel like  my world, our world, has changed so much since we were caught. Struggling so much at work, without being abole to share that struggle with my husband- couple with some valid concerns and struggles we have had with our youngest son, on top of that missing him and now not just being terrified that we would get caught, but knowing we were. We were caught. It has been a very, very, very long 2 weeks, and the weekend – in contrast with most, was much too quick.

My heart is drained. I feel encouraged and sad at the same time regarding my conversation with my boss. It felt so – fucking good – to talk to her about how I was looking for part time work (due to my son). I expressed how hard it was feeling stretched thin, not being able to be compeltely here or there, and only sharing minimal information with my husband about what’s going on at work (her expression and slight roll of eyes showed me her compassion). I was venting to the wrong person. Sucks for her! Oh well. I was there, in her office, and broken. She said she didn’lt awnt me to think that was was pushing me out the door or wanting me gone, but she also wanted what was best for me. That’s why she brought up the leave of absense options. We discussed the possibility of taking off a week and just saying that it was PTO and an unpaid vacation, rather than a leave, unless it was longer than that. But we talked about coworkers and we talked about good PT options out there. She recommended a few companies that offered benefits to PT employees. I was grateful. I am drained. I am tired. I miss him.

I love him. So much.

Me

Valentine’s day blues

To my husband,

I long for you to get me something this valentine’s day. Not a card with “i love you” and your named signed at the bottom. Not even necessarily flowers, although I’m sure they would be lovely. I long for your tender touch. I long to look in your eyes and feel you look back. I long for your attention, your adoration, your kindness, your everything. I long to be your everything.

He said it’s not wrong to be hopeful to get something on valentine’s day. I responded that hopes turn into expectations, and often – unmet expectations, and then inevitably hurt feelings and disappointment. When did marriage become so disappointing?

I started my period last night. Fabulous. 3 days early. Last month (or was it the month before?) almost a week late. I have acne like a 13 year old. I have to clean the shower out almost daily from the hair I’m loosing. Nope – I’m not stressed. Today, I’m actually pleased. I’m happy. I’m grateful to be loved and be in the love (thinking of him now). I’m excited for his weekend with his wife. I hope it will get him encouraged and inspired for their marriage. I don’t want to think about any possible adverse affects on us. I want him happy. But my body is showing the toll that my marriage is taking on me. We’re not even fighting, but I am. Fighting for us. Fighting for our marriage. In my heart, I fight. And my body is tired. I long for you to take care of me. I long to feel you touch me and to feel what I feel when he touches me.

My husband doesn’t have to work today. I tried not to hope that he would want to suprise me by taking me out to lunch. He didn’t offer. And I’m not disappointed. (Will saying I feel a certain way make it real?)

I want so badly to give myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I want so badly to give my heart in its fullness. It is yearning to be given. To my husband – I know it won’t be reciprocated. I worry it won’t be cherished like I feel it deserves to be. I worry it won’t be appreciated. That I’ll give him my heart and be crushed. I can’t give it to him. At least, not how I envision giving my heart. He has given his heart to his wife – and rightfully so. She has given him hers. It’s an exchange that does not want a 3rd party. I can give him my love as much as I am, and I plan on continuing to do so for as long as I can.

I am beginning to understand why I idolized the idea of marriage as a little girl. Maybe that’s why all little girls idolize marriage. The idea of giving yourself wholly to someone, only to realize they are doing it in return- utter selflessness, an undeserving gift, being vulnerable – only to have the exact priceless gift reciprocated : love. It is priceless.

 

I hope he loves me. I hope he feels my love. I hope he can love me back. Even as I love another.

Battle of the heart

Today I had lunch with him. It was the first day in forever – seeing him turn the corner I literally felt my face light up. My heart skipped, then stopped. I was so nervous and excited before seeing him, but I felt like I could handle it. I could make it through lunch without gushing or groping, right? I really enjoyed being with him. I am so grateful for the times he shares his heart with me, even if it’s just a little. Thank you.

I hate how absolutely happy I am right now. Seriously! It feels great because I feel like I haven’t been this happy in weeks! The power his heart has over me. His smile. I know we can’t be together. But maybe we can be friends. Somehow. I don’t know how. But maybe we can just take it one day at a time. Today was great. I will try my hardest not to look into it, not to analyze and replay our conversation. I miss his smile. I haven’t let myself miss his smile but oh I miss it. And dam he looked great. Cleanly shaven, hair cut, great body. He has a great body. I’ve always loved it. So not sure how to be friends with that, but I sure loved today. 

My son is still home sick, and my daughter as well. I will probably have to stay home tomorrow. I hate that immediately I think “oh I don’t want to not see him for 3 days”. I can’t go back to counting the days until I see him. 

How do you bring yourself back to a place of friendship with someone you only know how to love with all of who you are? 

Seriously. For anyone reading who is not him, how do you do that? I know you can love a friend, but can you love a friend? I have stopped closing my eyes to daydream about him. It wasn’t helping. But seeing him brings that all back. And I hate how much I love the feeling of being in love with him. I can’t see how that’s healthy for a marriage. I don’t know. I wish my brain would just let me enjoy our time. He sent me this picture after our lunch. It’s too fitting not to share. 

Shit.

Is posting this destructive? Is letting him know where my heart is good? Should this be a draft? I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to go back to being in love. I want to move forward – to a healthier marriage. I can’t have him and my husband.

Okay Sammi, stop. Today is just a day. It was just a lunch. It was a wonderful lunch. But stop worrying. Stop thinking it means something when it doesn’t. It was 2 friends having lunch, catching up. Hopefully you’ll get together again soon. Don’t let your mind or heart wander. Stay true to the path you believe is right. You’ll always to some extent love him. You gave him a piece of your heart. A big piece. You thought about divorce. You thought about marriage. Of course having lunch with him brings up some mixed emotions. But don’t read into it. Just enjoy it, and when you feel strong again- do it again.

Ugh. This post sucks.

And the tears flow

I couldn’t get out of work fast enough. So much for my usual late lunch breaks. I needed to be somewhere peaceful and beautiful.  I came here, to the rose gardens, where you used to tell me the names of each beautiful rose. I love how smart you are. How romantic. You say that you’re not normally romantic. What a tragedy. Your romance is beautiful.  You are beautiful.

The Rose Garden isn’t beautiful anymore. They cut them all down. Now there are just the bare bones, like my soul. I hate guarding my soul,  my heart.  I don’t want to. But I can’t be honest with you. What the hell am I supposed to do?  Run to you? Tell you how much I miss you? I long for you? How I long to be touched by you,  embraced by you, caressed by you? How my heart physically pains at the thought of not having you? Fuck progress. Fuck faking it. It hurts. And then you want to talk? To access my heart? It’s not yours anymore.  I gave it away on my wedding day to a man who doesn’t treat it like you do. But I’m fucking trying! Let me try dammit! Stop reminding me of what I don’t have! I hate how much I love you and miss you! I hate how I can’t stop crying because you decided to say hi and then you wanted to talk about something vulnerable.  Important. I Cant Do That. Can’t you understand?  I’m not strong. And I will not be weak. Tears pool in my sunglasses.  When will this pain end. Let my marriage be. It isn’t nor will it ever be what we had. Every time I see you I remember that. So many emotions. So much pain. So much pain over memories once lived. Once divulged.  My bones and body and heart ache for you. And I can not have you. I have to stop aching. I have to find peace. Find beauty.  Not here in the garden. Somewhere.  God please help me find joy again.