Him
by sammijeans
I feel so alone.
I’m listening to my beautiful two kids playing make believe in the bath and all I can hope is that all of their dreams come true.
I’ve pursued my husband so much since him and I stopped contact. I haven’t received any sort of comfort, affirmation, or physical pleasure from my husband. I know I’m being way more needy now that I don’t have him. I know it’s the right thing. In the long run I know I’ll be grateful. I don’t want to be eighty and have my husband who I love next to me, and secretly be wishing I had never hurt him or betrayed him like I did X years ago. That doesn’t stop me from hurting now. Or being lonely.
I’m so grateful he is letting me be free. I have stopped saying what I want or wish or feel and I think it’s helping. I’m coping in different ways. I guess. I’ve thrown myself at my husband. I got nipple piercings for fun. Wanted to feel alive. My husband remains mainly indifferent. The first thing I wanted to do was to show him. But that wouldn’t have helped. It turns out I’m the one who can’t just be friends. Do I miss him? Yes. Long for him? Yes. Long for his friendship, laughter, companionship, heart, smile, stories, touch, hugs, kiss? More than I ache to describe. But this is the right thing. And I can’t be just his friend even though I miss him. He’s my best friend. Absolutely. But I can’t be just friends. I don’t have the strength. I don’t have the desire to deny myself again. So I close the door to my heart to him. And I am so sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry. Thank you for letting me fly. I promise I’ll find my way. I know my marriage will get better. I’m trying to be patient. See? You’re still in my head. Always. And heart.
Shit.
But I know this is right. I do.
stay strong x